I wasn't sure to put as the title for this post, so I decided to go with "My Heart" because this post is all about stuff God has been teaching me and putting on my heart. :)
If you follow me on instagram, you've probably noticed that I've been writing long posts on some of my pictures. Well I decided to finally just write a blog post! The past few months have been filled with a lot of ups and downs and God has been teaching me so much.
As some of you know, I have been dealing with health problems for almost 2 & 1/2 years now. (you can read other blog posts that explain more about what all was going on the beginning here, here, here, & here) For those of you who don't know, I'll quickly bring you up to speed. In January 2012 I started having flu-like symptoms. The main symptom being nausea. I went to a few doctors, had some tests, everything came back normal, and I ended up moving home in the middle of the semester so I could work with doctors at home and rest and try to figure out what was going on. The past 2 & 1/2 years have been up and down with my health. I'll have a few good months where I am not super nauseous and I'll have some months where it is straight up awful. And a long with the nausea I am also dealing with exhaustion, rapid weight loss, and other symptoms. I have been in and out of many doctors offices, had multiple tests done, and they still can't completely figure out what is going on. So I am just learning to adjust life around this and work with it.
The end of last semester and the beginning of this semester, I really started letting my health dictate how I was living my life. I was letting it bring me down and I was getting so discouraged. I couldn't eat stuff I loved. I couldn't do things that I loved, I couldn't live life like a "normal person" and I didn't like it. I pretty much just gave up on trying to live life fully. I was super convicted about this. I was just sitting back and watching life go by. This is not what God calls us to do. We are supposed to live fully and not just sit there. I was throwing myself a little pity party because this is not what I wanted. I was discouraged and I was letting that dictate my health. But this is what God has for me right now in this season of life. And He may take this sickness away from me, or He may have me deal with this for the rest of my life. And if that's the case, it's ok. God doesn't call us to sit back in a season of life that we don't particularly care for and wait for the next "best thing" to come a long. No, He calls us to live a life for Him right now. No matter where we are, we need to be living for Him. And I wasn't doing that. I realized that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself all the time and start living out fully for Him.
So last weekend I went up to Boston to meet with a GI specialist. I ended up finding out that I didn't need to be on the no-acid diet that one of my other doctors had put me on (hallelujah) and he thinks that this is the after affect of a virus or infection that I may have had and he said this will usually last 2-3 years. So I am on some new medicine and so far it's been great! I have another appointment in July and I am going to get another test done when I start having a long strand of bad months with my nausea. Thank you to everyone who was praying, it really means so much! God is so good! While we don't have solid answers right now, we seem to be going in the right direction! I love it in Romans 8:18 when it says "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."
And now on to something else God has been teaching me...again, this is very personal, but I am just being real with you all.
As I said earlier, the past few months have been filled with ups and downs. Well in March, my boyfriend and I broke up. We had been dating for just over a year and this was extremely hard. I was so upset and could not understand why. I know this may sound silly to some, but we were in a serious relationship and this was just difficult to deal with. Little did I know, God was going to use this to teach me so much. The first Sunday after the breakup, my pastor said a few things in his sermon that really stuck with me. He said "If you are anxious, you are wrong. God commands us to be anxious about nothing!" He also said "Jesus orders all the chaos in your life. So stop fretting and start trusting." Boy did I feel like my life was in chaos. You see, I am a planner. I like to plan things out and I expect them to go exactly how I planned them. And dealing with a chronic illness and having my long-term relationship with my boyfriend end were definitely not part of my plan. But they're part of God's plan. And I was worrying so much. I was trying to take control of the situation all on my own. But I was not in control, God was. And He is in control of my life. And that is so comforting.
You see, nothing takes God by surprise. How comforting is that?! Nothing. NOTHING takes God by surprise. He knows exactly what's going to happen, and it's all part of His master plan. And everything He brings into our lives is only the best. He will never give us anything that isn't best for our lives. Even if we can't see it right then during everything that's going on, (trust me, I will be the first to admit that it can be very hard to see that trials are the absolute best for our lives at the moment) everything He does is for our best. Even the hard times.
There is a song that I absolutely love that has been an encouragement to me. Some of the lyrics are:
"When you fell like you're alone in your sadness
And it seems like no one in this whole world cares,
And you wanna get away from the madness,
You just call My name and I'll be there,
You just call My name and I'll be there...
Call My name,
Say it now
I want you to never doubt,
The love I have for you is so alive..."
-Call My Name by Third Day
When you're lost, confused, hurt, sad...just call on Jesus. He is there with His arms wide open just waiting for you. There is nothing you will go through that He doesn't understand. In Romans 8:16 it says "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." How amazing is that?! It says here that He intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. He cares for us and loves us so much.
I encourage you to run to Him. He is the King of all Kings and the Lord of all Lords and He is the Creator of everything, and you know what? He cares about you. He wants you to run to Him. He is the great comforter. He loves you with an everlasting love.